Buried Anger, Lingering Love

Recently, there has been so much shocking news. One story caught my attention, not because of the story itself, but because of a comment beneath it.

He said his family also went through hardship, yet they endured. Four people, one breadwinner.

It made me think. During the old generation, such struggles were common. People then were tough, perhaps too tough. But today, many seem unable to bear even half the weight. Maybe their hardship is different, or maybe they have never truly known what it means to survive with nothing but will.

And then I ask God in silence. Why still give pain, when life is already so hard? Why must You continue to test? Why not be more gentle with those who are already tired?

Deep inside me, something has been buried for years.

I always wanted to love my grandma, yet her actions left me disappointed, and the people I love deeply hurt.

I thought I would not shed a tear when she passed away, but in that moment, tears fell anyway.

They told me she didn’t deserve them, and maybe they were right. But I couldn’t stop.

It was a strange mix of love and anger.

I hated her for always wounding us, yet part of me still remembered the times she showed kindness.

Still, she never truly treated us as family.

When it came to money, she would appear loud, demanding, as if we owed her something.

My dad, being a filial son, would be unhappy to hear me say this.

But I have kept this inside for too long.

The anger, buried beneath the love, has stayed in my heart for more than ten years.

Her words still echo in my mind.

I have tried to forget, but the harder I try, the deeper they carve into me.

Perhaps I do not need to forget.

Perhaps they exist to remind me of what unfairness, favoritism, greed, and selfish love look like.

Now I feel relief that my family, especially my dad, no longer has to live under her control.

She never valued him, but we do.

We will give him the love, peace, and warmth that he always deserved but never received.

They say we need to forgive those who have passed so that they may rest in peace in the other world.

But I am sorry, I simply cannot.

I do hope they move on, and that the ties are finally cut,

so that we, too, can move forward without the weight of the past.

I still wish my grandma peace…

but I also pray she remains far from us in the next life.

To the One I Love

 I tremble inside, unsure where to begin,

scared of the storm I carry within.

I know I have hurt you and made you scare,

and each regret cuts deep inside.

When you are  getting sick,

my whole world collapsed, my heart turned weak.

Yet through the wisdom of love I found a way,

to rise again, braver each day.

I do not know when impatience grew,

when I turned inward and away from you.

I thought I was learning to love myself more,

but instead I closed the very door

to the patience, kindness, and gentle care

that you deserve, so loyal, so rare.

The old me was too weak, too small.

I was fed up with being pushed by all.

For years I longed and wished to change,

to break the chains and rearrange.

But when I tried, it twisted wrong,

and what I became feels far too strong.

Perhaps I held it in too long,

and it exploded on you where it does not belong.

I lost my self-esteem and isolated my days.

I spent long years trying to find new ways.

I shaped myself into someone I came to hate,

yet in that hollow shell I felt strangely light of weight,

no longer haunted by the thought I had hurt a soul,

a quiet that cost more than it made me whole.

At times my anger fell on you,

though it hurt me just as it hurt you too.

I promise, my love, I will learn, I will change,

together our hearts we will rearrange.

Give me your trust, do not turn away,

we will rise again, in a brighter day.

Because of my carelessness, you became unwell,

and that is a sorrow too heavy to tell.

I never wished for you to suffer this way.

I beg for your strength with each passing day.

Please God, help her, I humbly pray.

Heal her mentally and physically without delay.

So give me time and trust in me.

I will grow into who I am meant to be.

And when my healing is finally through,

I will love you deeper, brighter, and true.

This is my vow, my endless plea,

to cherish you whole, eternally.

Through storm and trial, loss and gain,

my love for you will still remain.

With patience, kindness, and faith above,

we will walk this life in endless love.

When Thoughts Become a Storm

There is a silent tug of war inside my mind, pulling me in different directions until it leaves me with a headache.

1. Money

Commitments always seem heavier than my income. No matter how frugal I am, it never feels like enough.

2. Dogs

My dogs are my joy, yet also my challenge. Even at 7, 8, and 9 years old, they remain as naughty as ever. I just wish they wouldn’t bite so easily. Despite the stress, I love them deeply.

3. Job

Six years in the same company have left me feeling stagnant. People tell me I’m underpaid, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m wasting more of my life in a place that doesn’t truly value me.

4. Piano

Every day I practice about three hours: scales, Hanon exercises, assigned pieces, my own favorites like Canon in D and Nv Ren Hua, and sight-reading drills. Still, I struggle with playing both hands together. Sometimes I worry all this effort might be wasted. Yet whenever I touch the school piano, I feel a spark of happiness that makes it all worthwhile.

5. Crochet

Crochet is something I truly enjoy. Sometimes I can spend six hours on it without even realizing the time has passed. Yet I wonder, does that mean I’m too slow? At times I lose count of my stitches, which makes the pattern imperfect and forces me to redo parts of it. I get impatient with myself, but even then, I still love the process. Deep down, I hope one day I can turn this passion into a small source of income, even if I haven’t figured out how to begin.

This constant push and pull between negative and positive thoughts is exhausting.

But writing it out, letting the words spill, helps me breathe again. After I rant, something shifts inside. I feel lighter, clearer, and ready to continue my routine.

Piano, crochet, even small attempts at farming.these are not just hobbies. They are seeds, little paths I’m exploring so I won’t always have to depend on my job. Maybe I’ve lost time, but I’ve also woken up to the truth that I need to find my own way.

I don’t know exactly where these paths will lead, but at least I am walking. And maybe one day, things will change.

I’m Back After 10 Years

Hello everyone 

It’s been a very long time since my last post in 2014. Life has taken me through so many twists and turns over the past decade, and today I finally feel ready to share a little piece of that journey here again.

The main reason I didn’t blog all these years was because I lost access to my Google account due to an unrecognized device. In 2016 I went through a trauma that carried on until 2022. Because of it, I changed my phone number and eventually terminated the old one in 2019. Without that number, I couldn’t recover my account.

On Sunday, September 7, 2025, I finally managed to get my number back and with it I regained access to this blog. After everything, it feels like a small miracle to be here writing again.

Here are some of the highlights and heartaches from the years away:

1. I owned a dog, but sadly lost her in April 2017. That loss was painful, but it opened the door to something unexpected.

2. I adopted a stray, and somehow that led me to caring for four dogs in total. My house has been full of wagging tails and endless love.

3. I changed jobs twice, and now I’ve been in my current role for more than six years. Honestly, it feels like a miracle to have such stability.

4. One incident that left a mark on me was when I accidentally hit a stray dog. I rushed to get help from a vet, treated its skin condition, made sure it was spayed, and supported its care for three years. Sadly, she later passed away after being hit by a lorry. I cannot count how many buckets of tears I have shed through the years.

5. In January 2024 I started piano lessons. By August I had already reached Grade 2 ABRSM with merit. Now I’m continuing my practice and saving up to buy my first digital piano.

6. Around 2024 I picked up crochet. At first, it was full of trial and error, so I set it aside. But in June 2025 I returned to it and found peace in the process. Sometimes I crochet for six hours straight, yet it feels like only one hour has passed. That’s how much joy it brings me.

7. These years, I’ve also been struggling with migraine. It still comes knocking on my door. For a time, changing medicine worked, but eventually my body got used to it and the doctor had to switch me to another. Now I’m trying not to rely too much on medicine. When the pain comes, sometimes it brings endless tears, but I still want to make changes and not give up.

8. Along the way, I also chose Buddhism as my religion. The reason I got to know it is because my mom fell and was unable to walk for long periods. I started to pray, but at first it didn’t seem to help—maybe I wasn’t sincere enough. Later, I went to a Chinese temple and prayed, and the next day her condition improved. Some may call it a coincidence, but I choose to believe in it and have deep respect for the practice. I also follow Green Tara, a revered figure who embodies compassion and protection. Her guidance has given me strength and a sense of peace through many challenges.

Looking back, these years were full of love, loss, healing, learning, and little miracles. I may have been away from this blog, but life was never quiet.

I’m back now, and I hope to share more of my journey, my hobbies, and maybe some reflections along the way. If you’ve read this far, thank you for being here. 💙

Woohooo..Dong DongChiang ^.^

Chinese New Year is around the corner......hmmm...according to the Chinese astrology, This year = snake year is not a good year to most of the Chinese horoscope. My little advice, If not good, don't take it seriously. If bad things happen, just tell yourself ''tommorrow is gonna be a good day or hai yo,...if you think this year is bad luck ,then whatever bad happen will be bad luck or bad luck won't follow you forever or after all it is not that bad at all if I compare to previous incident''. I always advice myself like that. Mostly I would tell myself '' There must be a reason why it happens"

Stop the crap about the Chinese astrology....

Decorating and helping mom with house cleaning ....love to decorate and set up lighting as well as seeing CNY stuffs that are in red red things/colours......

yeah ...can see fireworks , chinese people wearing red cloths every where, listen to CNY songs, eating all day, helping daddy with prayer,.........

Early wishing
Happy 
            CHINESE NEW YEAR 2013



P/s: leave everything behind first....really dont to get distract at this very moment.

Fear to head off into uncharted waters

FEAR FEAR  FEAR

Once stop going forward , the devil gets the chance to catch me. In addition, My soul is getting weaker until not dare to make a first step. I'm letting THE DEVIL OF FEAR to tie me up me from taking a first step. I know once I take a first step , I would be free from the devil. Undeniable that I'm good at escaping problems.After years of trying to conger my fear so that I would be brave enough to drive and facing other things as well. It is just hard for me to move the first step. , First move/First Step is always hard to take and Fear is always hard.

A note/ reminder to myself

'' Fear won't get you where you want to go. I

t's not easy to head off into uncharted waters, but every journey starts with a first step. Fear will keep you from taking that first step, from untying the boat from the dock. Fear will also keep you from making new discoveries. Don't let fear keep you tied up, set sail and see what God has planned for you.''

This year 2013 resolution is

HAPPINESS

simple right?.I don't want to write much on this resolution. There are a lots of ways to gain happiness. I'll try my very best to be happy throughout this year.

Appreciate

Most people never appreciate what they have until someday they start to lose it.when you have everything you want you would tend to have the kind of a thought or feeling that it wont leave you and would stay with you forever .oh ya, cant deny that temptation is hard to resist.that is way , second chance comes to play it roles .most human will only regret when they start losing it and then begging for mercy .some people just give second chance because they scare to lose it's comfort zone/a shoulder to cry on or start over again.there is no such weak people only if they choose to become.it always depend on one's mentality.losing does hurt but it would be sour someday.some may regret by suicide or self torture if they fail to get it back.it is called one of the journey of the path of life

yesteryear Nightmare by chasing unchaseable memory

i asked mr time a few question '' can you go back to 1 year ago??''
he answered '' why ? tell me why you want to go back ??? do you really miss those days??''
i replied '' some of it ....and ..i...i..i..just want to appreciate those days .............i'm full of regret and guilty''
he told me '' you should face it or correct it, not keep asking me of a favor that it is impossible''
he continued his speech '' by the way , i'm not time traveller ...even i manage to move my  clock's wheels to move backward ...do you think you wont do the same mistake or same things??'''



Hide and seek

I never like to play hide and seek game.when i was in primary school i used to hide and others seek.During that time i played the game almost every weekdays .it was my nightmare and frightened to death.honestly, i scared to go to school.i kept asking God , why should i have to played in hiding role instead seeking roles? could someone stop hide and seek game? Could anyone helps me?.Hmmmm... After praying for years .the game finally over once i turned 11.unluckily, the game starts again after months graduated from degree, this time is different because i'm the one who seek.i have been seeking for more than 5 months.hide = frightened( afraid to be found and the consequence of getting caught) as for seek role = tired, lost and disappointed.the advantage for playing seek role(controller of the game) is you can stop playing whereas hide role cant.

''Zhu Jianqiang" = Strong-willed Pig

i was touched when i read the news and .... it reminded me one of my hamster , ham ham's great grandson, who was born as healthy hamster but sadly, after some days ,His mom( ham ham' grandaughter) ate his left hand and her rest of her babies to death.. I really dont really understand why she ate his son's hand and let he lives? . Everytimes, when i looked the disable hamster, i feel pity toward the hamster and at the same time, it gave me encouragement to be more stronger.He is really very strong, and learnt to walk, eat with one hand, climb ,........

back to the topic of pig.

She,Zhu Jianqiang was born disabled/handicapped (with only two front legs , you can see it in the photo below)

She was supposed being dumpped for being disabled but the kind-hearted owner refused to do so when his wife asked him . Mr Wong has did more than what a pet owner should have done!! .

 He said: "I trained her for a while each day. After 30 days she can now walk upside down quite well''.He was being offerd a large sum for the Pig but he refused to sell.His undying love and care toward the pig has made me feel that in this world there is still got people who is kind- hearted person.

Candidly ,after i read  this true story , i was imaging what i will do if i were the pig??
am i going to give up? am i that strong?? . At first thought, i was hmm....if i were the pig, i may just give up on life such as refuse to eat and bla bla...because i  may be eaten by human as pig is one the favourite eating pigs meat/preys upon human.if i learnt to live , the next day i may brutal killed by slaughter....hmmmm think too much already!.I believe there must be a reason why God created the pig...........

she has proved to us that no matter how life is so difficult or what is her upcoming obstacle she will face,  no one even animals should ever give up on ourselves!!!. Last but not least,every living creature should be given the chance to live.!!

Let bygones be bygones

15 years of anger and hatred inside me has had  finally begones...........Forgiveness breaks the wall of hatred and anger ,will eventually heal the pain .

The only way is to break the walls or walk through the walls

SEARCHING for A Place called forgetting self - legends

I've lived through a million dreams 

dreams are just dreams that will only remain as dreams

 some dreams are sweet but some dreams are bitter

feel breathless like drowning once i think of my bitter legends 

 all i can do is to search and search 

Searching for a place called forgetting self- legends

in order to stop bitter legends get me devour

THE ENDLESS FEAR

Whats inside my head?

Am I alive or dead?
My alter ego haunts me

'o'

Deep inside my darkest dream

Beg for mercy, cry for help but its unspeakable fear that live inside me

Screaming out in pain and endless fear

endless fear

endless fear

 endless fear

No place to hide, I've learned from all the times I tried
In this midnight hour, horrors has got me devoured

Only i can set myself free

  Only i can set myself free

free from fear 

i wished my eyes could see through people heart and mind

never stay in your confront zone for too long  

if not you may face fear to go out and will find excuses not to leave 

in other words, just want to remain in where you are / in your confront zone 

remain silence or speak the truth

shut up?   or  speak the truth? 

not everything are speak able

most of it are unspeakable 

if it can ruin someone's life/ LEAD TO ARGUMENT 

better to keep it as secret rather than putting trust on others

unless someone needs to be punished 

always remember the consequence for speaking the truth 

am i a alcoholic?

oh  my,.......i think i'm addicted to alcohol........every times when i saw beer , wine ....especially beer.....i really want to put into my pocket list ......huh!!!!!..i keep telling myself ''dont '' but when my friends called '' do you want??.... just a small drink''.....then i immediately said '' why not, i want ..i want'' .....after drank a glass of beer ..... want the second one....i used to dislike beer so much but now..............haiz............i prefer Heineken than tiger.HONESTLY , it does help me to get to sleep and forgetting my problems for temporary just like crying(sick of crying) . complaining and etc .

life is full of temptations

passerby

for me ,passerby is a person who comes to you when you are at the lowest point and left when you start to rely on/like the passerby
of course leaving a big mark in your heart that is bittersweet memories


it is ok!!! to leave as everyone has it own life to move on!!! but at least say or send a goodbye message rather than just goes /vanishes into thin air just like that without inform


 adding some colour to your life = > sweet memories

and left without leaving footprint => bitter memories