Buried Anger, Lingering Love

Recently, there has been so much shocking news. One story caught my attention, not because of the story itself, but because of a comment beneath it.

He said his family also went through hardship, yet they endured. Four people, one breadwinner.

It made me think. During the old generation, such struggles were common. People then were tough, perhaps too tough. But today, many seem unable to bear even half the weight. Maybe their hardship is different, or maybe they have never truly known what it means to survive with nothing but will.

And then I ask God in silence. Why still give pain, when life is already so hard? Why must You continue to test? Why not be more gentle with those who are already tired?

Deep inside me, something has been buried for years.

I always wanted to love my grandma, yet her actions left me disappointed, and the people I love deeply hurt.

I thought I would not shed a tear when she passed away, but in that moment, tears fell anyway.

They told me she didn’t deserve them, and maybe they were right. But I couldn’t stop.

It was a strange mix of love and anger.

I hated her for always wounding us, yet part of me still remembered the times she showed kindness.

Still, she never truly treated us as family.

When it came to money, she would appear loud, demanding, as if we owed her something.

My dad, being a filial son, would be unhappy to hear me say this.

But I have kept this inside for too long.

The anger, buried beneath the love, has stayed in my heart for more than ten years.

Her words still echo in my mind.

I have tried to forget, but the harder I try, the deeper they carve into me.

Perhaps I do not need to forget.

Perhaps they exist to remind me of what unfairness, favoritism, greed, and selfish love look like.

Now I feel relief that my family, especially my dad, no longer has to live under her control.

She never valued him, but we do.

We will give him the love, peace, and warmth that he always deserved but never received.

They say we need to forgive those who have passed so that they may rest in peace in the other world.

But I am sorry, I simply cannot.

I do hope they move on, and that the ties are finally cut,

so that we, too, can move forward without the weight of the past.

I still wish my grandma peace…

but I also pray she remains far from us in the next life.

To the One I Love

 I tremble inside, unsure where to begin,

scared of the storm I carry within.

I know I have hurt you and made you scare,

and each regret cuts deep inside.

When you are  getting sick,

my whole world collapsed, my heart turned weak.

Yet through the wisdom of love I found a way,

to rise again, braver each day.

I do not know when impatience grew,

when I turned inward and away from you.

I thought I was learning to love myself more,

but instead I closed the very door

to the patience, kindness, and gentle care

that you deserve, so loyal, so rare.

The old me was too weak, too small.

I was fed up with being pushed by all.

For years I longed and wished to change,

to break the chains and rearrange.

But when I tried, it twisted wrong,

and what I became feels far too strong.

Perhaps I held it in too long,

and it exploded on you where it does not belong.

I lost my self-esteem and isolated my days.

I spent long years trying to find new ways.

I shaped myself into someone I came to hate,

yet in that hollow shell I felt strangely light of weight,

no longer haunted by the thought I had hurt a soul,

a quiet that cost more than it made me whole.

At times my anger fell on you,

though it hurt me just as it hurt you too.

I promise, my love, I will learn, I will change,

together our hearts we will rearrange.

Give me your trust, do not turn away,

we will rise again, in a brighter day.

Because of my carelessness, you became unwell,

and that is a sorrow too heavy to tell.

I never wished for you to suffer this way.

I beg for your strength with each passing day.

Please God, help her, I humbly pray.

Heal her mentally and physically without delay.

So give me time and trust in me.

I will grow into who I am meant to be.

And when my healing is finally through,

I will love you deeper, brighter, and true.

This is my vow, my endless plea,

to cherish you whole, eternally.

Through storm and trial, loss and gain,

my love for you will still remain.

With patience, kindness, and faith above,

we will walk this life in endless love.

A long journey: Propagating zz plant (zamioculcas zamiifolia)

i love propagating because seeing it grow gives me joy. the progress is small, but the satisfaction is big. zz propagation is very slow, but it teaches me to wait calmly. it shows me that slow growth can bring real satisfaction 

simple. step by step. short lines. easy to follow.

Oh ya ,there are two method . One is progating though water and the other is though soil. I have try both but I prefer water as I can see its progress 

method A — leaf in water (easy to watch)

1. pick a healthy leaf with its little stalk (petiole).

2. cut cleanly near the base.

3. let the cut end dry 12–24 hours (callus).

4. put leaf upright in a jar with just the tip of the petiole in water. don’t submerge the whole leaf.

5. change water when seeing the water turn cloudy.keep jar in bright, indirect light.

6. wait for tiny roots then little rhizome. when roots 1–2 cm, pot into soil.

tips: if using water, you need to change the water often because it can turn cloudy and cause the leaf to rot. you can also put a little piece of aloe vera in the water, as it helps prevent rotting.

method B — leaf in soil (more reliable long-term)

1. cut leaf + petiole. let dry 12–24 hours.

2. prepare small pot with well-draining mix. make a shallow hole.

3. insert petiole into soil so base just covered. firm gently.

4. water lightly once after planting. then keep soil slightly moist but not wet.

5. place in bright, indirect light.

6. wait for  shoots and rhizomes form slowly under soil.

tips: avoid overwatering. Overwatering will rot.

P/s: most of the time the leaf will eventually turn brown. that is natural. the leaf gives its stored energy to the rhizome. after that, the rhizome can push out a new stem. At first i thought it was dead when the leaf turned brown. but luckily it was not.As long as  rhizome was still healthy, it will soon grow a new stem (green leaf → roots → brown leaf → new shoot).  I also learned not to use a big pot. a small pot works better because the soil dries more evenly and helps the zz root stronger.

care after propagation

light: bright, indirect. avoid long sun.

water: let top 1–2 cm dry between waterings. zz hates wet feet.

temp: normal home temps are fine 

feed: wait until new growth, then light feed once a month in growing season.

pot size: small pot helps root development. don’t oversize.

after years, it grew this big.

this pot, i am not sure which method i used, because i planted three cuttings in it.

this one stayed with me, and the other pot i kept at my dad’s house.

i tried both methods, water and soil, and both were successful.

water propagation is slower, but it still works.

Hope you enjoy whichever method you choose. happy planting.

oh ya, in chinese feng shui, the zz plant is called “fortune tree.” it is believed to bring wealth, luck, and steady growth, just like its strong leaves and rhizomes.